Saturday, July 20, 2013

The elephant in the atmosphere.

I've never been able to mask my feelings very well, I avoid awkward situations like the plague, and it's beginning to make me feel like an absolute bitch. I mean, am I crazy? I am I anti-social to the point of selfishness? Or am I just a normal person avoiding people that I'd rather not associate with? Four people. My stepfather, and my future in laws. Let's start with my stepfather.

I guess step-family members have a reputation of not always getting along. And in this case, I believe it's pretty normal. We've had our spats in the past. He's cursed me out, kicked me out, ratted me out, and is currently really dropping the ball as a provider for my Mother and sister (if you ask me).Truthfully, since he does make my mother (and sister) happy, who am I to judge?, but that doesn't stop me from really wishing he was capable of doing a better job providing for them financially, instead of maxing out their credit cards by carelessly spending money on less than necessary things. I know he's my Mother's husband, but it burns me up inside when I witness her waiting on him hand and foot. Most everything about him aggravates me to the core, and when I'm around I barley speak to him. Of course, I'm nice, and respectful, but if I could avoid him completely without it being a big deal, I'd do it in a heart beat. It's not like we're feuding. It's just that even after 1 year of living together, and 2 years of knowing each other, we don't have any sort of relationship slash connection slash bond. For starters, we don't have many things in common so we never sit down and talk. I never even have the courage or desire to spark up a conversation if we're together, alone in the same room. It ends up becoming this awkward cluster fuck (at least in my mind) where I'm squirming internally hoping the awkward moment passes as quickly as it began.

I get the same feeling with my future in-laws. Absolutely no desire or courage to indulge in conversation. And even if when we do converse, it's usually about one thing: the baby. It's absolute torture sometimes (okay, maybe the word torture is too strong) being in the same house with them alone without Daniel. Like I've mentioned in a previous post, all I want to do is avoid them. I feel terrible for having these feelings. I'm not sure if they're caused by my mere selfish, and immature ways, or genuine anxiety on the brink of phobia of being misjudged and looked down upon by them. It doesn't help that my future brother-in-law has this thing where he always needs to make a joke/lighthearted comment that has to do with me being Black. (They're all Mexican). He even refers to my unborn baby girl as "Jemima" sometimes. (Now some Black people would consider this extremely offensive..) I know he doesn't do it to purposely hurt me..but it always makes me feel so estranged. When you're hoping to fit in, it's terrible when someone continuously reminds you of what makes you different. In this case, it's my race.

When it comes to my future in-laws, we have nothing in common, we're not friends, and I hardly feel the warm and fuzzy "family" feelings around them, so interacting with them only makes me anxious and awkward. Sometimes, it's bearable. I bite the bullet and face my fears just so I don't look and feel like a complete bitch slash nutcase. But it takes so much effort.. I wish it didn't. I was it was easy. I wish I had a perfect, and meaningful relationship with all of these people. It makes me feel like shit because it seems I'm the one who can't muster up the courage to face them without having feelings of anxiety and awkwardness. I wish I could spark up a conversation with them, and spend time with them all individually without having to force it. I hope to god it's not this way forever..

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