Saturday, July 20, 2013

The elephant in the atmosphere.

I've never been able to mask my feelings very well, I avoid awkward situations like the plague, and it's beginning to make me feel like an absolute bitch. I mean, am I crazy? I am I anti-social to the point of selfishness? Or am I just a normal person avoiding people that I'd rather not associate with? Four people. My stepfather, and my future in laws. Let's start with my stepfather.

I guess step-family members have a reputation of not always getting along. And in this case, I believe it's pretty normal. We've had our spats in the past. He's cursed me out, kicked me out, ratted me out, and is currently really dropping the ball as a provider for my Mother and sister (if you ask me).Truthfully, since he does make my mother (and sister) happy, who am I to judge?, but that doesn't stop me from really wishing he was capable of doing a better job providing for them financially, instead of maxing out their credit cards by carelessly spending money on less than necessary things. I know he's my Mother's husband, but it burns me up inside when I witness her waiting on him hand and foot. Most everything about him aggravates me to the core, and when I'm around I barley speak to him. Of course, I'm nice, and respectful, but if I could avoid him completely without it being a big deal, I'd do it in a heart beat. It's not like we're feuding. It's just that even after 1 year of living together, and 2 years of knowing each other, we don't have any sort of relationship slash connection slash bond. For starters, we don't have many things in common so we never sit down and talk. I never even have the courage or desire to spark up a conversation if we're together, alone in the same room. It ends up becoming this awkward cluster fuck (at least in my mind) where I'm squirming internally hoping the awkward moment passes as quickly as it began.

I get the same feeling with my future in-laws. Absolutely no desire or courage to indulge in conversation. And even if when we do converse, it's usually about one thing: the baby. It's absolute torture sometimes (okay, maybe the word torture is too strong) being in the same house with them alone without Daniel. Like I've mentioned in a previous post, all I want to do is avoid them. I feel terrible for having these feelings. I'm not sure if they're caused by my mere selfish, and immature ways, or genuine anxiety on the brink of phobia of being misjudged and looked down upon by them. It doesn't help that my future brother-in-law has this thing where he always needs to make a joke/lighthearted comment that has to do with me being Black. (They're all Mexican). He even refers to my unborn baby girl as "Jemima" sometimes. (Now some Black people would consider this extremely offensive..) I know he doesn't do it to purposely hurt me..but it always makes me feel so estranged. When you're hoping to fit in, it's terrible when someone continuously reminds you of what makes you different. In this case, it's my race.

When it comes to my future in-laws, we have nothing in common, we're not friends, and I hardly feel the warm and fuzzy "family" feelings around them, so interacting with them only makes me anxious and awkward. Sometimes, it's bearable. I bite the bullet and face my fears just so I don't look and feel like a complete bitch slash nutcase. But it takes so much effort.. I wish it didn't. I was it was easy. I wish I had a perfect, and meaningful relationship with all of these people. It makes me feel like shit because it seems I'm the one who can't muster up the courage to face them without having feelings of anxiety and awkwardness. I wish I could spark up a conversation with them, and spend time with them all individually without having to force it. I hope to god it's not this way forever..

Friday, July 12, 2013

Evolution of the Human Spirit pt.1

Evolution of the Human Spirit: a Life’s Journey to Enlightenment

Now I’m not the best at beginning things, but since I must begin somewhere, I’ll begin with this statement: One of the most influential artists of my time that I know of is a person by the name of Alex Grey. It would be an understatement to label him as just a ‘painter’ when, in my opinion; his work here on this planet far exceeds that. Some people have referred to him as a spiritual teacher. I refer to him as a shaman whose visionary insights have shined a light on extremely important aspects of ourselves, and our world that would normally be invisible to the untrained eye. His artwork has allowed me to confirm, and explore the new realm I’d entered into with the help of conscious expanding, psychedelic drugs like LSD and psychoactive mushrooms. The analogy of my ‘hallucinations’ and his depictions of the human spirit, and progression through life were all too similar to simply ignore. My life was forever changed. During my first psychedelic trip, I’ll never forget the infinite eyes that observed me, as I observed them. Everywhere, in everything, they watched me, and communicated with me for what felt like a million hours, and it was absolutely beautiful.

During my second trip, as well, I witnessed peculiar laser-type visuals, and vague sky beings that radiated feelings like; peace and hope for a Utopian society. When trying to explain what I was seeing to a friend, he seemed amazed by what he was hearing. He pulled up Alex Grey’s website and asked me if what I was seeing looked anything like the pictures that were on the screen. I was at a loss for words. Paintings like Grey’s, Dying, and Over-soul were almost identical to the visions of infinite eyes that I’d seen while under the influence of LSD. He began to explain that Alex Grey was a visionary artist, and the things I was seeing weren't just hallucinations. They were actual realms and dimensions of reality which have been explored before. The reason what I was seeing was so similar to what Grey had painted was because he’d seen the same things. My friend had seen the same things too. It was as if the drugs had taken us all to the same dream. It had given us all similar ideas. It gave us all hope. It was all I could think about. If places like this really did exist, I wanted to know more about them.

Recent thoughts.

Here I am again; alone, and surrounded by walls of a different shade. Hidden and secluded, I feel safe, and comfortable. Out there in front of curious eyes, I am once again the black sheep. Black, pregnant and flaunting my flaws for the ‘in laws’ to see. In a perfect world I wouldn't be here. But unfortunately, this is where I am. I have this immense desire to rise above my situation and move past it into something better, but the reality of the issues at hand always seem to bring me down. I used to visit my Mother and Sister once a week, but nowadays, it’s unbearable to see how they struggle. My Mother tries so hard to make the best of it, and carry on like the soldier she is. With little income, and big bills, it seems as if they're always broke. Their life reminds me of where I come from, and make me scared to death of my new family’s future. (Daniel, Baby Girl, and I). We’re far from rich and living with Daniel’s mother..

 This life is so new to me. Two years ago I was the teenage girl living with her Mother and her Mother’s fiancĂ©. Today I am a teenage mother-to-be living with her boyfriend’s family. Aside from Daniel, I feel totally alone. He’s the only one capable of supporting me at this time, for I can’t even support myself. I've always had an independent sort of demeanor, and I plan to be this way for the rest of my life. But it kills a portion of my spirit knowing that Daniel and I have to lean on someone other than ourselves this much. I wish I there was something I could do to help out financially. But being pregnant doesn't give me many options as far as employment goes.

It wouldn't be so bad if we had our own home. In fact, the hardest part about my entire situation is the fact that it isn't just Daniel and I. His Mother is also in the mix, as well as Daniel's two siblings who all (in my opinion) see us as nothing but irresponsible failures. It becomes…uncomfortable, embarrassing, and humiliating just to be around them most of the time. I often wish I could become invisible, and go about my day without having to be seen or heard by them at all..

But my biggest fear is that if we do move out, we'll end up being like my Mom and Stepdad. Struggling constantly, paycheck to paycheck. But deep in my gut, even if we do endure this type of life for a short amount of time, I don't see us living that way for as long as my Mother has. Honestly, in 3 years tops, I see Daniel with a great job, me in school working towards my degree (with a job on the side, of course), and Baby Girl smiling, healthy, and soo smart as she enjoys her childhood. All of us living in our single family home looking back on our humble beginnings with great pride considering how much we've progressed. I have no doubt that this is our future. It's just that our present situation is very blinding sometimes.