Sunday, May 26, 2013

She felt.

      It’s a quite challenging, a life for someone like me. Of course circumstances could always be worse, but in the same instance, circumstances could always be better. Plagued with bitterness, self-hatred, anxiety, and plain old unhappiness; I often question my own life’s worth. I constantly find myself sitting around, alone, and dreading social interactions with those that surround me. It’s painfully humiliating, the irony of falling silent and forgetting how to speak when in my head, that familiar voice is always talking. According to it, I’m always the victim, never good enough, and because of these reasons, the whole world is judging me. A part of me realizes this happens to everyone, but a handful of us feeble ones, unwillingly allow this darkness completely blanket itself over our lives. I feel that I am currently one of the weak ones. I’ve been this way for a very long time. Looking back at the past, I can literally watch myself doing all of the wrong things and it leaves me with this undeniable belief that if my life was a movie, it would be one of the worst ones yet, though it has barely begun. The main character has absolutely nothing to offer but a puddle of guilt and her silent presence as she tumbles trough life with a miserable demeanor.

      I do know that happiness is not hiding from me; it’s just that I have no idea where to find it. I understand that true joy and happiness at the most basic level depends on a few neurotransmitters, and receptors in the brain, like serotonin, and dopamine, depending on whether they are functioning correctly or not. In a perfect world, there would be a simple remedy to correct the malfunctioning of these neurotransmitters, and as a result, I’d spend my entire life sailing on the seas of my mind’s nirvana. You see, all I want is to feel happy, comfortable, and happy. Even in the skin I’m in, if I could be happy with it, I’d wear it with pride at all times. Some nights, the seemingly endless flow of tears, are all I have to depend on. I silently beg them to run their course, and exhaust my mind until I’m completely drained and slipping into the hole of sleep. The places I visit while asleep always fascinate me with their authentic, depth, and detail. Even when they torment me, I feel privileged to escape the agony of my waking mind.