Friday, July 12, 2013

Recent thoughts.

Here I am again; alone, and surrounded by walls of a different shade. Hidden and secluded, I feel safe, and comfortable. Out there in front of curious eyes, I am once again the black sheep. Black, pregnant and flaunting my flaws for the ‘in laws’ to see. In a perfect world I wouldn't be here. But unfortunately, this is where I am. I have this immense desire to rise above my situation and move past it into something better, but the reality of the issues at hand always seem to bring me down. I used to visit my Mother and Sister once a week, but nowadays, it’s unbearable to see how they struggle. My Mother tries so hard to make the best of it, and carry on like the soldier she is. With little income, and big bills, it seems as if they're always broke. Their life reminds me of where I come from, and make me scared to death of my new family’s future. (Daniel, Baby Girl, and I). We’re far from rich and living with Daniel’s mother..

 This life is so new to me. Two years ago I was the teenage girl living with her Mother and her Mother’s fiancĂ©. Today I am a teenage mother-to-be living with her boyfriend’s family. Aside from Daniel, I feel totally alone. He’s the only one capable of supporting me at this time, for I can’t even support myself. I've always had an independent sort of demeanor, and I plan to be this way for the rest of my life. But it kills a portion of my spirit knowing that Daniel and I have to lean on someone other than ourselves this much. I wish I there was something I could do to help out financially. But being pregnant doesn't give me many options as far as employment goes.

It wouldn't be so bad if we had our own home. In fact, the hardest part about my entire situation is the fact that it isn't just Daniel and I. His Mother is also in the mix, as well as Daniel's two siblings who all (in my opinion) see us as nothing but irresponsible failures. It becomes…uncomfortable, embarrassing, and humiliating just to be around them most of the time. I often wish I could become invisible, and go about my day without having to be seen or heard by them at all..

But my biggest fear is that if we do move out, we'll end up being like my Mom and Stepdad. Struggling constantly, paycheck to paycheck. But deep in my gut, even if we do endure this type of life for a short amount of time, I don't see us living that way for as long as my Mother has. Honestly, in 3 years tops, I see Daniel with a great job, me in school working towards my degree (with a job on the side, of course), and Baby Girl smiling, healthy, and soo smart as she enjoys her childhood. All of us living in our single family home looking back on our humble beginnings with great pride considering how much we've progressed. I have no doubt that this is our future. It's just that our present situation is very blinding sometimes.

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